In my feminine energy

    After all the trauma and the bad shit and wounds, I got from my past relationships. I feel like the past few months of me just getting to know myself and not entertaining guys at all have helped me heal in some way. I used to be a people-pleaser, I used to be so passive, and I used to be hyper-independent as well. I tend to be domineering and it almost always doesn't turn out well. I used to be so wounded by my past to the point where I never let anyone help me anymore. I had to unlearn that because, for the longest time, I cried over having to do everything all by myself. I mean at first, it felt powerful because I could do anything and everything I put my mind to but at the same time, I can't live with the fact that I have to suffer for everything I want. I want the soft life that I deserve. If 2022-2023 has taught me one thing, it's that I need to surrender and be submissive every once in a while. Surrendering and being submissive don't always mean I've lost control of what's happening. There are things that I can't control, yes. But I could still be the one in charge without having to exert all my masculine energy all the time. 

    Let me tell you a story about this guy I met. I'm not saying he changed me or anything but I'm saying I learned how to correct my past mistakes while being connected to him. We're not dating or anything, he just happens to be a very close person to me right now and I do enjoy the occasional flirting but one thing has changed. I don't idealize him or romanticize any potential situations with him anymore. I don't imagine myself being in a relationship with him unlike how I do with other men that I've dated in the past. Despite the fact that I am into him. I value our relationship/friendship so much that I don't want it to turn into anything romantic. But I submit to him if that makes sense. He takes good care of me and pays for my stuff and also helps me a lot with my projects. He's a good friend, a good listener, and a good person. The only reason why I don't wanna date him is that our friendship is solid and I wouldn't want sticky situationship to ruin the connection we have. Also, I got to practice creating boundaries and being straight-forward just by being with him. I learned how to surrender and let him help me with things that I struggle with.

HOW IT STARTED:

    He dm'ed me back in June 2022 about a certain project that he wants to make. We weren't connected to each other on social media so I was supposed to ignore his inquiry but I accidentally hit the like button on Messenger so I had to reply to his message. I didn't intend to move forward but we ended up staying connected on social media. I talked about what I wanted to do and he talked about how he could help me achieve that. We had to pause the project because I had budget constraints but nevertheless, we agreed that it'd be our project. A few months passed and we accidentally met in person because he happens to be connected to one of my best friends. We met in person and he left quite a good impression. He was cute, gentle, and very easy-going. I knew then that I'd have to hit him up sooner or later to kick-start the project because I need to execute it immediately. Fast forward, we talked regularly because we had to map out the things we were doing for this project and I was overwhelmed with the pressure that it took to organize it. All throughout, he stayed by my side and made sure he was there to support and help me with the things that needed to get done. He was able to get resources for this thing to happen. This project proved that he'd be a valuable person to be in my team, and so it went. Basically, he was courting me--business-wise. After we executed that project, there was a turn of events where I needed a manager to handle me and represent me and my business on a couple of things. He once again proved himself as a valuable asset which made me impressed and made my life a whole lot easier. It felt nice to have someone who's got your back no matter what happens. It felt like what I was doing to others is now being done to me and it was amazing. It sure does sound like I'm only into him because he's providing me help but our connection goes so much deeper than that. We've shown each other our vulnerable side countless times already and it helped us be more in tune with each other. I'm not the type to mix personal and business together but with him, I feel like it wouldn't be such a huge problem because we make sure that we'd communicate openly with each other regarding what's happening personally and business-wise. He's a nice man. He always held the door for me, he always paid for our friendly 'dates', he makes sure I'm getting pampered, he gets me a VIP table at the club, he pays for the bouncer to watch me all night while I'm partying, he treats me and my girls, he drives me home whenever he can, and if you didn't know better it'd look like he was courting me. He's not. He's just being a nice person exerting his masculine energy towards a divine feminine entity like me. I like that he takes care of me and I also like not being in a relationship with him. I just like how I know how to value and respect myself now to the point where I'm on the receiving end, I know how and when to say no, I have boundaries and he respects them. We've only ever known each other for months so I definitely still need to keep an eye out for what he's capable of doing, but for now, I'm happy with what I got going on for myself. I'm happy he's my friend, and I'm happy I'm a friend to him. I asked him once when I was drunk, "Why are you doing this? Why are you doing all this for me?" and he responded with, "Because you're my savior." that is honestly one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. Hands down. I kinda knew he was gonna say that because he always says that whenever he's dealing with things in his past life. Before we met, he was very much in the shady underground industry. He was doing all kinds of things that are often frowned upon by the general society for a living. During the time we were first connecting, I offered him an opportunity and I must say, it has turned his life around. He's thankful and he knows that he has something to live for now. I think that's one of the impacts I had on him which made him so grateful for being in this connection with me. I'm grateful as well that he taught me how to be more solid and grounded. He's always here to remind me of my worth and to let me know that I'm more than what I'm projecting myself to be. So I'm glad I got to apply all my learnings for the past few months to this newly found connection. I couldn't be happier.